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Monday, December 20, 2010

Being...

I would like this blog to be about me but also about my past experiances. I have overcome a learning disability-there were times where I thought I would not be able to graduate let alone be a success(there were a few teachers and you know who you are that told me I'd not pass the current grade let alone high school and college I could just for get about that!). I am currently pursuing a degree in Graphic Design. I have been twice married, having survived verbal abuse and controlling male influences. I have experianced the good the bad and ugly of being a divorced parent.The custody battles, the ongoing harrassment and toxic parenting that you bear witness to.
I am going through a rough period of loss. I just lost a grandmother and mother to death and my husband wants a trial separation or what he refers to as a healing separation. I am living with type 1 diabetes. Plus I recently discovered that I have bipolar disorder. Its my hope that I can contribute my experiances over the next year as I have an adventure into myself. I have a goal of doing things that I have never done or thought of trying, I will introspect about the journey I am on and share what I find out and hopefully by doing this I can help someone else. To help another would make all the obstacles and challenges mean something.
I learned to overcome adversity at a very young age, as I mentioned I had a teacher in first grade tell me I would never go to college. I decided in spite of this I would try real hard do the best I could and show her! Well though the I will show her attitude served me well academically it pushed me to succeed. In life the I'll show you has formed a superiority complex..to the husbands I'll show you who's right, to the kids I know I'm right so just do what I told you, to everyone who crosses my path I'm right your wrong. This attitude permeates like cheap purfume and is just as repulsive. I am learning to accept that sometimes I don't have all the answers and thats ok, sometimes I'm wrong and when I am wrong I will say I'm wrong. I want to learn new ways of approaching situations so that I am a contributing collaborative member of a relationship.
Because of my new diagnosis of bipolar, I have been in out patient group therapy as well as individual therapy. I've discovered that by being a pleaser, rescuer, <I'm the best person for the job of helping you I can rescue you because I'm your girl!--sounds a lot like I'm right my ways best...>. Rescuing led to victimization because I was used and depleted of emotional resources<people who take take take without giving back or appreciating what was done sound familiar to anyone else?>. The feelings of anger grew like children of resentment and bitterness until I became the agressor. I am a fighter, my triggor to survive is anger if life is something you survive then it reasons to believe that the way I have learned to live is by anger and fighting. If there is nothing to fight then I cultivate it. I am the source of the fighting and battling. Its my outdated rule that to survive I must fight and be angry to get anywhere in the world. I grow weary of the battle so I need to change how I interact in the world by changing my rules or beliefs.
You can too heres an excercise:
http://www.createchangeinyourlife.com/blog/2008/01/05/challenging-limiting-beliefs-exercise/
Let me know what you think and remember tell me something positive!

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